The Expendables

The Expendables is a surprisingly entertaining movie despite what the critics say. Some have said it’s a brainless mindless movie that’s nothing more than a bunch of guys shooting around amidst grand explosions and balls of fire. The premise is set in some south american island where the star of the show, Sylvester Stallone, dashes through the jungle toting big guns, killing everything in his path, just to save one girl. along with him is Jet Li (with his fast hands and high kicks), Dolph Lundgren, Jason Stratham and 2 other random dudes. to add to the 80s action hero list, even Bruce Wilis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mickey Rourke made an appearance. all that’s missing were Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme.

there’s a lot of action shots from flying bullets and exploding towers to knife throwing feats and unarmed combat. the whole movie was shot 80s style, right down to the colour of the film, a dismal greyish hue. I LOVE IT! far from the action films of today where there’s some expected twist in plot or some dialogue to follow, this movie is strictly a game of who has more fire power at the end of the day.

my favourite scene has gotta be when Jason Stratham’s character went to confront some guy who hit his woman.

Jason Stratham: You shouldn’t have left a mark on her face.

Asshole: so what.

JASON: POW POW POW!

he single handedly took 5 of them down. SO HERO!!

i leaned over and told Bryan i wanted a boyfriend like that. SO MAN!!

i think the funny part about these action shows is that no matter how hot blooded and violent these men are, they are sometimes shown to have a softer side to them when it comes to women. in most shows, they usually have some gratuitous make out scene. this one? no lip sucking at all. instead it’s displayed by these moments of heroism where not only will they risk all for $5 million, they will also do it for that one woman in their lives. i think if trashy romance novel genre wants to target the male market, they can fill the entire novel with action-packed sequences, peppered with sex scenes, and complete it with leaving the exploding scene hanging one-handed from a helicopter with the woman of their dreams in their arms.

Female version:

She lies in her bed, half-naked under the satin sheets, sweaty from the summer humidity. She ponders over many things; the meaning of life, the dryness of the night’s turkey dinner and whether Jason has any feelings for her or did he like someone else. She turns to one side, as her thoughts wander to the man she was slowly developing feelings for. she thinks of dinner where he sat across from her, his expression stoney, his demeanour cold. She wonders what he’s thinking and wishes she could ask him.

The door crashes open and she gasps. In steps a figure, dark and menacing. she sits up, clutching the sheets to her bosomy bosoms. the figure steps into the dim light shining from the lamp posts outside the window. it was Jason! top-less and hair all messed up as if he had been tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep because he is thinking of her too? she breathes breathlessly at the possibility.

Jason takes one commanding step to her bed and sweeps her up in one arm and asks, “are you okay?”

She almost swoons from the excitement of it all. Unable to resist, she reaches up to caress his face.

He looks down at her dispassionately. she wonders, will he kiss me? and squeezes her eyes shut in anticipation while she puckers up and tries to kiss him.

*Cue sex scene*

Male version:

He sits up in the middle of the night, his ears listening closely to what sounds like footsteps in the hall. he reaches over under his bed and takes out an Uzi. Ears keen, he carefully climbs out of bed and stalks quietly to the door. he carefully takes off his shirt in anticipation of bloodshed and he doesn’t want to risk dirtying it as it was his only shirt because he forgot to do laundry that day. he presses his ear against the door and hears nothing. carefully, he turns the doorknob and the door swings open. he peers into the dark doorway and sees nothing. he takes a tentative step out of the room and suddenly, in a flurry of moving blades, a ninja jumps out from around the pillar and HAAIYAHHH! at him. he quickly dodges the flying blades and swings his arm up, catching the ninja in the face with the butt of his gun. as the first ninja falls heavily to the ground, another 20 more come flying out into the corridor, all grasping some sort of weapon or another. Showing off his unarmed combat prowess, which he mastered as a child when abandoned in a basket outside a Shaolin monastry, he takes down each and every ninja without having to shoot a bullet. Even though this is completely fictional and it is highly unlikely he will run out of ammunition by the time he reaches the end of the corridor. with a pow and a kawow, he works through the flying assassins with such gravity-defying finesse that even Master Zhao from Temple Shaolin Pao would have been proud of.

When he reaches the end of the long hallway, he looks back at the trail of groaning or half-dead ninjas in various state of pain and distress. Assured that they will not be a problem anymore, he takes a step towards the Jane’s room and opens the door. He glances in and sees that she’s still in her bed. She sits up and gazes at him. She does not seem to be in any distress. He glances around the darkened corners and does not see anymore ninjas.

He walks to her bed and holds her up to check if she has been beaten or bruised and sees nothing. “are you okay?”

Instead of saying anything, she gazes stupidly at him and touches his face. He wonders if she’s been hit in the back of the head. he thinks to turn her around to check. But before he can do anything, she closes her eyes and her lips seem to be pouting at him. He wonders, what the hell? as she kisses him.

*Cue sex scene*

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2 comments

  1. heh. i like the female version better 🙂

    1. i decided to read one of my favourite trashy romance writer’s novel and i was like EEEE everything was a fluttering of heart and throbbing of groin, AT FIRST MEETING!

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